By Jae-Ha Kim
Substack
October 16, 2026
This is me in the 4th grade after I won first place for my science project. I won first place every year, mostly thanks to my dad. I would come up with some decent ideas, but I was never sure how to display them without making things overly complicated. My dad would look at what I had assembled and help me simplify them in a way that was easier to understand and display.
I wish I had inherited his artistic skills. (If I had, I wouldn’t have made such a mess of the 노리개/norigae1 I made in Seoul recently.)
I still remember this evening that I won. I remember the smell of my father’s cologne and my mother’s perfume. I remember loving this red dress I have on. And I remember being so happy that I made them proud.
When my father died, his doctor had told me that it would take a year or so of grieving before I might feel “OK” again… That he, himself, had lost his father as a young man and that the loss does get easier to live with each year. It becomes a part of your life.
He was right. Shortly after my father died, I miscarried again and couldn’t eat. I didn’t want to eat.
But as the anniversary of his death approached, I couldn’t remember how long it had been since we lost him. Was it 19 years? Maybe 20? Or was it 21? How long was he gone before #SonOfJae was born? Why couldn’t I immediately remember?
Of course, I know, but I have to do the math in my head to make sure my memory is correct.
In Korea, we hold a ceremony called jesa/제사2, where we pay respect to our ancestors. It’s actually quite lovely, with lots of family and food — as there would be at any happy celebration. And when my mother and father hosted these elaborate jesas, my father would always say that the best thing we could do for our ancestors was to lead good, happy lives.
I am happy and (mostly) good. I still miss my father very much. But life goes on. And it doesn’t hurt as much anymore.
© 2026 JAE-HA KIM | All Rights Reserved
One thought on “I Am Happy and (Mostly) Good”