By Jae-Ha Kim
Chicago Sun-Times
June 21, 2001
Sheâs 25 and dissatisfied. Who was she? Why hadn’t life lived up to her expectations? What was the meaning of life? Wasn’t this crisis of extended navel gazing supposed to happen when she turned 50?
Not if you’re going through a “quarterlife crisis.”
Abby Wilner was suffering through a preamble to the mid-life crisis she may be saying hello to in another 20 years. So convinced that other beleaguered twentysomethings were going through the same thing, she grabbed a partner–Alexandra Robbins, 24âand dashed out Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties (Tarcher/Putnam, $14.95).
âPart of the problem is that the 20âs are viewed as an easy, care-free time,â says Wilner, phoning from her dot.com office in Washington, D.C. âDonât get me wrong. It is to a certain extent. But itâs also a time where thereâs a major life adjustment and identity crisis.â
Before you can spit out, âSpoiled brat!â consider that experts site the 20âs as the period when psychiatric illnesses arise.
âThere is a lot of pressure of people in their 20âs,â says Chicago psychologist George Smith. âTheyâre feeling expectations from their parents as well as peer pressure from within their own group. Theyâre dealing with societyâs expectations of them. All of those things can have a real impact.â
While a war veteran may have little sympathy for a 25-year-old college graduate grappling with the trials of young adulthood, dismissing 20something blues as insignificant isnât prudent, either.
âThis one mom told me that when she was raising her kids, she was very uncomfortable having them fail,â says relationship expert Dr. Drew Pinsky, co-host of “Loveline” and “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” âWe give kids trophies every time they blow their nose. We as parents donât want to see kids unhappy. But the fact is that life sometimes sucks and you donât always succeed. If you donât give kids the opportunity to have these feelings, youâre sending them the wrong message. Itâs hard to go into the world and be perfect all the time. No one could do that.â
The success of Quarterlife Crisis has alleviated some of Wilnerâs woes.
âIâm not as worried now about the layoff thatâll be happening soon,â she says, laughing. âIâll be all right.â
Let’s get some perspective on quarterlife issues by talking to young adults who are going through it and middle-agers, who have heard and seen it all before.
*****
My crisis is:
Liz Warton, 25, Bucktown, PR executive.
âI have a very close relationship with my parents, especially my father. Iâve always wanted to live up to his expectations of being perfect. I didnât want to disappoint him, but I had no concept of where my life was. I didnât want to get out of bed anymore in the mornings to go to work. That indecision just wears on you and makes you feel like an old person. As I was approaching my 25th birthday, I made the decision a few days ago to quit my job. As of July 15, Iâll be pursuing acting fulltime. My father was teary eyed at first wondering how I was going to support myself. But then my mother reminded him that his mother had been an actress as well. Itâs in the blood.â
Derrick Darnsteadt, 24, Gold Coast, medical student.
âIâm caught up in a world where a lot of friends my age are already earning 80 grand a year and Iâm making nothing. I shouldnât be so materialistic. I tell myself that my friends are also really good at spending all the money that they make, too. Some kids get spoiled this way âcause if you graduate from a good school and have the right background, all these companies are just throwing money at you. I wonât be making any money until Iâm 35. In some ways, I feel like Iâm in a big hurry. I wanted to be married by next year. I donât think thatâs the norm for my people my age, but I really wanted that but itâs not going to happen for me.â
David Herbert, 26, Gold Coast, commercial real estate broker.
âCrisis isnât the right word, but turning 25 definitely is a wake up call. Itâs not like when you first graduated from college, where you have a three or four year window to jump around from job to job and blow your money on weekend trips and expensive dinners. You need to grow up and figure out what youâll be doing down the road. Youâre thinking a lot about whatâs down the road 10 years from now instead of just thinking about tomorrow. When you hit 24 and 25, you start to make a little bit of money and you tend to blow a lot of it taking the weekend trips and buying expensive dinners out. At the end of the year, youâre thinking, âOh my God. I need to start saving for the future. I need to be responsible.â
Catherine Hudon, 26, Lincoln Square, filmmaker.
âIâve had the quarterlife crisis since I was 10. I was recently laid off from my job as an advertising production manager and I felt a huge sense of relief. I was working on a movie at the same time and it gave me the time to focus on that. If I hadnât been laid off, Iâd still be working two jobs. Itâs actually a little strange for me to not be working more than one job because Iâve always done that. Actually, I sort of am because I just started doing some freelance writing for this web site as well. Something keeps pushing me. Iâll never feel like Iâm ever âthere,â but thatâs good. Hopefully Iâll always be at this state of conscious incompetence because once you feel youâve made it, itâll be over.â
*****
Back in my day:
Stefani Bay, 52, Lakeview, professor.
âSnap out of it! Why put yourself under such pressure when nowâs such a great time to experience things? You can do whatever you want to when youâre 25. I grew up during a time when there were obstacles. I interviewed for a job with a restaurant group and the guy said, âWell, with your breasts, you should be a hostess.â You had to put up with things like that. I never felt like there was an enormous rush to have all my needs fulfilled at once right out of school. I had to make mistakes to realize, because what I didnât want to do was as important as what I did. Life is about experiences, good and bad.â
Patricia Dodson, 76, Lakeview, retired.
âWhen I was younger, I was so busy raising my children and doing what I was expected to do that I didnât do much thinking about whether it was what I wanted to be doing. I was concentrating on being a good mother and wife, working on community activities and going to PTA meetings. The days just went on and it wasnât until my late 40âs that I began to think, âMaybe thereâs another way to live.â I donât know if thatâs any different from what the present generation feels. I think entitlement begins in the head I paid my dues and I wasnât expected to have everything, but I never really thought about it. I had what I had. I didnât expect to have everything.â
Larry Kwiat, 51, Northwest Side, accountant.
âGet a grip on it! A lot of younger people have too much, too soon and they donât know what to do with it. When you work for something, you appreciate it a lot more than when itâs handed to you. I paid my own way through college. My parents raised me and my brothers to keep things balanced with church, family and work. Those priorities helped me remained balanced throughout life. I think a lot of younger kids today are missing out on this basic foundation. I knew from an early age that would reap my rewards later, but that I had to stay focused and work for it and I never had a problem with that. Years of working allowed me to pursue my dream of sailing.â
*****
Chicago-based psychologist George Smith advises 20somethings on how to alleviate the quarterlife crisis by accepting failure.
Q. I thought my boyfriend and I had the perfect relationship, but he is dragging his feet when it come to marriage. But Iâve already invested three years in him. What should I do?
A. Young men at 25 are usually not at the same level as women at that age. Young kids have this feeling that they things have to be great right now. If youâve been in a relationship for more than two years and it hasnât moved towards permanency, move on.
Q. I graduated at the top of my class and expected to get a job making at least $70,000 a year. Instead, I was hired as an assistant making less than half that. Why is this happening to me?
A. Young people have to recognize that you have to pay your dues. It takes time for great careers to evolve. In order to gain experience, you sometimes have to take a lesser job to develop your skills. This doesnât mean youâre lessening your expectations. You should always keep your eye on the prize thatâll be there for you at the end. But you may need to fall flat on your face a few times before achieving your goals. This isnât failure. This is success.
Q. I donât want to disappoint my parents but I donât want to become a doctor of lawyer. I want to do something more creative, like model or act. What do I do?
A. My mom once told me that every tub has to sit on its own bottom. If you want to pursue these dreams of yours, then make sure you are able to foot the bill for those dreams because your parents may not want to subsidize them. As long as they control the purse string, they will control you to a certain extent. This may mean that you have to take a second job until your modeling or acting career takes off.