The resolution I won’t be making

By Jae-Ha Kim
jaehakim.com
December 6, 2004

It’s near the end of the year when everyone will be making the same resolutions: Save more money, promote world peace and, um, lose weight.  I’ll certainly give it my all with the first two, but I won’t be among the millions of Americans vowing to diet in 2005.

It’s not that I don’t need to. I do. Over the past year, I’ve packed on a good 10 or 15 pounds. The gain hardly makes me obese, but it makes me fat enough that I need to buy new jeans. Before, if I gained a pound or five, I’d get rid of it fast like it was toxic waste. But having been through enough insecure years when I thought there was something wrong with me when there wasn’t, I’ve decided that as long as I’m healthy, the extra weight can stay.

As one of my friends recently said to me—and not unkindly—I’ve been lucky enough to have been stick thin for most of my life. Now’s my turn to get a taste of how the rest of America lives.

It’s actually not so bad. I’m lucky enough to be married to a man who doesn’t measure the quality of women by their weight. And truth be told, we’ve both grown together—literally—since we started seeing each other. Nay Sayers may refer to this as letting yourself go, but I prefer to think of this “date weight” as the sign of a content relationship.

Until recently, I’ve never been one to gain or lose weight easily. My friends would gain weight when they broke up with their boyfriends and lose weight when they replaced them with better men. Me? My weight never fluctuated, not even when one guy I dated cheated on me. Heck, my weight even stayed the same when I was stressed out planning my wedding.

I took it for granted that family genetics would ensure I’d be able to eat half a large pizza by myself, wash it down with a chocolate milkshake and enjoy a slice of apple pie a la mode for dessert and not gain a pound. One boyfriend told me I was too skinny. Another asked if I had an eating disorder. (I didn’t.)

It’s not that I’ve ever been particularly athletic as an adult. Although I ran track and competed in gymnastics as a child, my workouts post college have consisted of little more than riding the escalator to Nordstrom’s shoe sales.

Part of my weight gain undoubtedly has to do with aging. That fabulous metabolism of mine has finally slowed down. I can no longer fit into my college jeans from two decades ago. My pants are all too short because my legs are hogging up more fabric. And because I’m married to a man who enjoys scuba diving and we spend most of our vacations wearing bathing suits, I can see that I’m filling out more (and not in the good places) on each vacation we take.

I am as vain as the next person, which is why when I am about to be photographed, I turn my body with my right hip jutted out, perch on my toes to elongate my legs and suck my gut in, just as Cindy Crawford instructed on an old episode of MTV’s “House of Style.” Sometimes it works. Other times, I just look off balance.

But I still vow not to diet in 2005. It would be one thing if there were health issues at stake. But what is the point in depriving yourself of food to try to look like a teenager again when, in fact, those were some of the most insecure years of your life? No matter how thin or pretty women were in school, almost all of us will remember feeling fat and unattractive. Some of the thinnest women I know complain about how their hips have filled out or how their stomachs aren’t concave anymore. Never mind that they’ve had babies and are in their 40’s. They still want others to see them as they once were.

Ironically, now that I am the fattest I’ve ever been, I feel like I’m finally alive. No, I don’t fit into size 4 pants anymore. But you know what? Those size 8’s look pretty darned good. Just the other day, I packed up all my old jeans and gave them away. It wasn’t traumatic at all, especially since I got to go shopping to restock my closet.

Of course, this doesn’t mean I won’t exercise. If it makes up for my extra eating, great. But the best part will be being able to look my doctor in the eye when she asks if I’ve been working out.

Yes, I have. Thank you for noticing.

© 2004 JAE-HA KIM | All Rights Reserved