Jae-Ha Kim

My son isn’t in preschool yet — surely his life is ruined

Kyle: My brilliant son.

Ever since my son was two, people would ask if I had enrolled him in preschool. Some were friends, while others were complete strangers who happened to see us in line at a store. Often they were just making small talk. But occasionally, they were asking so they could offer unsolicited advice to warn me that I had better get on the ball because he would be developmentally behind if I didn’t enroll him. NOW!

I used to be judgmental about parents who sent their kids to preschool at a young age—as if they were sending their children off just to get them out of the house. But now that I am a parent, I understand that feeling. I also realize that wanting some time to yourself isn’t a bad thing, especially when your child can benefit from the experience.

My son is 3-1/2 years old. My plan all along had been to send him to one year of preschool prior to kindergarten. But as I see my friends sign their kids up for school, I worry and get a little competitive. Will he lag behind because his friends started preschool a year earlier? Will he be at a disadvantage because he’s staying home with me rather than learning from an energetic teacher? Because let’s be honest: There are days when I’m not a great companion for anyone, much less a very active and inquisitive little boy.

The last time I felt this gnawing worry was when my husband and I were potty training our son. It seemed like it’d go easily enough. At around 20 months, Kyle showed signs of wanting to use the toilet. Fast forward a year or so and our child, who can be as stubborn as I am, refused—REFUSED, I say!–to use the toilet. We tried bribing him with M&M’s. We offered him Legos for a tinkle in the toilet. We pleaded. We threatened. (Oh yes, we did.) But nothing worked. He was content with his diapers through his third birthday, when most of his friends were wearing big kid underpants.

But then a funny thing happened. We stopped forcing the issue and a couple months after he had turned three, he pretty much trained himself. While we were at a store, he said he wanted a new Play-Doh set. I half heartedly said, “Sure, I’ll buy it for you if you’ll go poo poo on the toilet.” And to my surprise, he said, “OK.” And he did. That was that. Except for one or two mornings when he woke up with wet underwear, he has had no accidents.

Many of you know that my son is adopted. Before his first birthday, he had already lost his birth mom and foster mother. I am his third and final mother. I worry about the losses he has had and how they may impact his psyche.

Maybe they don’t affect him at all. But I do know that they affect me.

After a particularly exasperating day with Kyle, I mentioned to my husband that I missed the chubby-faced little baby we brought home from Korea. He laughed and said, “Really? Because you know that kid had a temper, too.”

I do miss my free time. At times I even miss working full-time. But what I really miss is the past that I had with Kyle, but didn’t fully appreciate, because I was trying to figure out how to be a good parent. I was so busy planning out his future that I didn’t really relish each day as we were living it.

This winter, when he is at the tail end of 3, we will try enrolling him in preschool. I truly do believe that once he gets over the initial shock of me not being in class with him, he will thrive in a setting where he gets to draw pictures, read stories, play instruments and make new friends.

But how to get him there is the question. For all his playfulness with his best buds, Kyle is shy with strangers and has anxiety about being anywhere without my husband or me. Is it because he has repressed memories of leaving his first two moms? Or could it be that I just have a clingy child? We’ll never really know, but I prefer to error on the side of caution.

So. We will try preschool and see how that works out. If you hear a loud, wailing cry, chances are that it won’t be Kyle you’re hearing, but me. And it may be because I miss him more than he misses me. Or it may be because my child is hysterical and refusing to return to preschool.

Either way, be sure to pass me a tissue, OK?

© 2011 JAE-HA KIM