The Diceman cometh again, and nothing is safe from his vitriol — not even parsley. The maligned herb is nothing compared to his take on obese people, shoplifting and keeping up with the Joneses. How much of this is shtick vs. reality? You be the judge. He performs tonight at the Rosemont Theatre.
Q. What’re you most looking forward to about coming to Chicago?
A. Mancow’s wife is going to cook us dinner. I’ve already given my direct order for the meal — skirt steak and potato. Nothing fancy. I don’t like going to restaurants ’cause they always give you what you don’t ask for. They cover food up with green crap. They put leaves on top of a steak. I don’t remember my mother giving me a steak with a leaf on top of it.
Q. What do you think of society today?
A. People are lazy and fat. It makes me sick to see a guy wearing a 10x shirt and taking a scooter to his car ’cause he’s too lazy to walk. Then everyone’s competing to have the latest thing, like the car you bought last year isn’t good enough and your TV isn’t thin or wide enough to be cool. Or cameras with phones in them. When did picture taking and making calls at the same time ever come into play?
Q. What do you like about America?
A. The freedom to be able to sell that stuff and give people the choice if they want those things, as stupid as I think they are. I’m still old school. I like the bubble screen better than the flat screen.
Q. What’s a good motto to live by?
A. Never pay full price. Never feel bad if you go into 7-Eleven and steal something. You’ve got to start small before you can become like Winona Ryder. Oh thank heaven it’s 7-Eleven. With my kids, it’s like I’m having a party when we go shopping. I tell them to grab a toy or two. That’s what you wear big shirts for. I walk out on Thanksgiving like the worst hunchback in the world.
Q. Don’t you worry that people will take comments like that seriously?
A. I can’t worry about [ticking] anybody off anymore. I’m a comedian. It’s the kind of comedy I do. … I can’t care less about people who don’t like it. A lot of the new comics today get a little scared to say what’s on their mind. I’m known as a filthy comic, even though I know what I say has valid points.